Duo Maxwell's Strategy for Saving One's Skin
by Melody4
Summary: Humor: Duo gives Heero advice about women


Duo Maxwell's Strategy for  
Saving One's Skin

By Melody

Heero Yuy was the picture of misery, Duo decided as he easily maneuvered his rental car through the winding private drive. He watched his friend as he leaned against the rough brick of the archway at the top of the steps to the main entrance of the rebuilt Peacecraft Palace. Heero's head was bowed and his arms were folded across his chest; his body language was unmistakable. "They must've had a fight," Duo sighed, guessing correctly, while he was pulling into the circular drive. "Well, there goes lunch," he muttered ruefully as he set the brake; he was more than ready for one of Relena's bountiful and delicious meals, which was the occasion for his visit.

Although Heero was deep in thought, pondering the profound complexities of women, he was true to his deeply ingrained training and had detected the presence of Duo's car as soon as it came faintly within earshot. He didn't move a muscle except to shift his eyes in the direction of the approaching vehicle. He had forgotten all about Duo's expected appearance and regretted being visible because he was in no mood for company, and especially wanted to avoid Duo's seemingly perpetual cheerfulness.

Maybe he would go away.

Duo emerged from the car and shut the door as he observed the former assassin who was now his friend. He knew better than to clap Heero on the shoulder and give his usual hearty greeting when Heero was brooding; he had gotten to know Heero all too well during the last two years and was certain that his presence, although expected, wasn't welcome at the moment. But he also knew that before he had seen the former gundam pilot that Heero was already aware that he was there, so he had decided that going away quietly and leaving him alone didn't seem like the polite thing to do.

He wouldn't want to have to explain to Relena, either, why he didn't show up for their 'luncheon date', even though he was aware that the only thing that he could do in this situation was to make an excuse not to stay so they could try to work things out between them. The two 'lovebirds' certainly didn't need his company for that! He knew that she would be disappointed because they all saw each other so rarely these days. Relena had arranged her busy schedule so that she would be home when Heero had the opportunity to come for a visit on his break from the boarding school he attended and Duo was in town because he had had to come here on business, so Relena decided that it would be the perfect time for the three of them to get together. It had made her so happy to be planning the meal for the rare opportunity to entertain her friends that he wouldn't even dare to dream of disappointing her by not showing up. As he thought about this his stomach growled hungrily; it was a shame that he felt compelled to leave without tasting a morsel.

"Hey, Heero," Duo greeted Heero with a pat on the shoulder, "trouble in Paradise?"

Heero didn't move except to shift his eyes in Duo's direction; it was obvious to Duo that he had chosen the wrong words with which to start this conversation. He decided to try again.

"You and Relena had a fight then?"

"Yeah." Heero's answer was low and did not invite further conversation, but Duo thought that he just wouldn't be a good friend if he left with the two of them at odds without giving Heero some advice so they could kiss and make up.

"What happened?"

Heero sighed. "She's upset with me. She says that I don't know what she needs."

"Well, is she right?" Duo asked, although he already knew the answer. He knew that Relena was the first person that had ever loved Heero in his entire life and, therefore, that Heero wasn't used to having a loving relationship of any kind. This fact made being involved in a romance an extra challenge for him. It was all very bewildering.

"Yes."

"Where is she now?"

"She burst into tears and ran to her bedroom and locked the door. I tried to get her to talk to me but she told me to go away so I did," Heero explained in his typical monotone. "I was going to leave, but when I got out here I decided that I would let her cry for awhile and see if I could go back later and get her to listen to reason."

"You shouldn't have left."

"But she told me to."

"I know, but that doesn't mean that she actually _wanted_ you to."

Heero looked confused.

"Women are like that, Heero." Duo was starting to sound like an expert, which was aggravating because Heero knew he wasn't. "It's just the way they are. They never really want you to go away. Now she's probably thinking that besides you not knowing what she needs that you don't care about her either."

"You mean that I just can't win no matter what I do?"

"Sometimes you can. But it takes a lot of practice."

Heero shook his head slowly.

"She's not normally moody like this, is she?" Duo was puzzled; this was not the Relena he knew.

"No. Just every once in a while."

A small light bulb lit up inside of Duo's mind. "What part of her cycle is she in?" he asked, proud of himself for using the correct term.

"What?" Heero actually tilted his head to get a better look at Duo.

"Her cycle. You know," Duo prompted.

"Oh, that. How should I know? She doesn't tell me that stuff." Heero was irritated with Duo, not only for asking such a personal question, but for assuming that _he_ should know the answer.

"It's a good idea for you to keep track of that," Duo said with an air of worldly wisdom that Heero found annoying. Heero just looked at him without speaking so he continued. "You need to know that stuff 'cause if you do and you do everything _just right_ it keeps you out of the doghouse, man."

"Who told you that?"

"Um...Hilde...about three months ago...at the top of her voice," Duo admitted, scratching his head and shifting his position as he had a habit of doing when he was uncomfortable.

"So you're the one to talk about it," Heero said bluntly; Duo couldn't help but catch the sarcasm, even though Heero's monotone had not changed at all.

"No, really." Duo shifted again. "After me 'n Hilde had that fight I called Trowa. You know that he understands about women's feelings. And he explained it to me."

"I'm listening," Heero said, but he looked skeptical about what his friend, the 'expert', had to say.

"You gotta make sure you give 'em lots of hugs when they are moody," Duo advised. "But when they get snappy you just gotta stay outta their way!"

"Is that all you have to say?" Heero was not impressed.

"Well, that's it in a nutshell," Duo said lamely. "The rest you have to guess at, but knowing this stuff is really important, Heero. It's all about self-preservation."


End file.
